Let’s make one thing clear. We’re just like you… except more talented. Well, at least some of us are more talented. The others are just spakfilla. Here’s a little Q&A with our regular columnists to help you sort the know-alls from the Nevilles… but first DT powerhouse, Paul Gallen, has a few words to say.
Hands Like Feet
I once found myself in a dusty village somewhere in Africa. It had one dial-up internet connection. I had not been in contact with my friends or family in weeks. I had two hours. I made two trades. I forgot to send an email. I am a man who appreciates a solid line-break assist when he sees one. I played for the Sharks yet support the Rabbitohs. Feel free to hold both against me. I am the original Lone Scout and I have returned to eat your babies.
Q. My DT man crush is… Erin Molan. I like his hair.
Q. If I could beat an NRL player to death with a wet sack full of Jamal Idris’s hair, it would be… Steve Matai. At least he wouldn’t have to fake an injury.
Q. Cherry-Evans or Cronk? The Cherry. It’s the hair thing again.
Q. Smith or Farah? Smith… until Paul Gallen gets named at hooker.
Q. Parker or Gallen? I would say Parker but I’m afraid Gallen would find out.
Q. Utai or Matai? Shaun Corrigan.
Q. Favourite Paul Gallen Fact. If at first you don’t succeed, you are not Paul Gallen.
Q. My greatest DT moment… In the dark of night, making sweet love to my lady, risking a silent grin as I flashback to my captain scoring triple figures.
Q. My lowest DT moment… Advising thousands of Dream Teamers on trading strategies during my first season as Lone Scout… then running out of trades with two rounds remaining.
Why are your reading this? No, really?
Q. My DT man crush is… Chuck Norris. Actually, Paul Gallen…. wait.
Q. If I could punch an NRL player with a wet sack full of Jamal Idris’s hair, it would be… Tautau Moga – if I can find him.
Q. Gallen or Parker? Ben Pomeroy
Q. Smith or Farah? Smith. Chairman Un likes, no, loves, Farah too much.
Q. Favourite Paul Gallen Fact… Paul Gallen doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it.
Q. My greatest DT moment… Giving Super Coach the flick.
Q. My lowest DT moment… Missing last DT season. Europe and the internet aren’t the best of mates.
Q. You’re taking the piss… Blake Austin. Don’t laugh Willie Tonga and Steve Michaels – you’re not far behind.
Q. Why you cost so much… Second rowers… it’s not like you do anything.
Q. Hot and cold… Billy See You Later.
Señor Winning thought 2012 was the year he would finally be crowned No. 1 dream teamer in the land. After carefully selecting his squad, he now wishes he could sell them all and start again. When not busy bi-winning, he enjoys plotting Chairman Un’s downfall in their head-to-head matches, supporting the 17 men who step out for #winning every weekend and rates Tuesday and Friday as his favourite days of the week.
Q. My DT man crush is… Shaun Fensom. Can tackle.
Q. If I could beat an NRL player to death with a wet sack full of Jamal Idris’s hair, it would be… none of them. They’re all potential recruits.
Q. Cherry-Evans or Cronk? Cherry-Evans. A professional on and off the DT field. Proved he is more than just 2011′s prime cash cow.
Q. Smith or Farah? Smith… when I can afford him.
Q. Parker or Gallen? Parker. Gal can’t kick.
Q. Utai or Matai? Utai – the tackle break machine!
Q. Favourite Paul Gallen Fact. Hasn’t kicked a conversion, penalty goal or field goal in his NRL career. Looking to do all three in 2012.
Q. My greatest DT moment… Can’t narrow it down to one, but any time I watch my captain dominate a game, it’s the best.
Q. My lowest DT moment… Losing to Chairman Un. A sad day for all involved.
The Supreme Leader(‘s son), Chairman Un has the inside word on everything. Should probably be a better Dream Teamer than he is, but isn’t the greatest mathematician and is very impatient. You would have seen him on television at some time….you know that guy who is always in the background of the shot at the football, his head poking out everywhere. Yeah, that’s right, he’s the guy standing next to him.
Q. My DT man crush is… Gareth Ellis, the man is a machine
Q. If I could beat an NRL player to death with a wet sack full of Jamal Idris’s hair, it would be… Andrew Fifita
Q. Cherry-Evans or Cronk? Cronk – the blond haired boy’s name is too long, why doesn’t he try something like Un or Il?
Q. Smith or Farah? Farah – Supreme Leaders love colleagues that whinge and spit the dummy.
Q. Parker or Gallen? Parker kicks goals, but Gallen kicks heads!
Q. Utai or Matai? As much as I like kamakazie players, go for Utai
Q. Favourite Paul Gallen Fact. A Paul Gallen night at Northies costs the Australian Tax Payer $6,451,927 in baby bonuses.
Q. My greatest DT moment… Getting on the Aaron Woods bandwagon two seasons before his debut, and actually cashing in last year.
Q. My lowest DT moment… Once contemplating the inclusion of Steve Michaels to my reserves.
When there’s DT news to be broken – The Postman always delivers… four or five hours late, depending on whether it is a weekend, public holiday or a little moist outside. But at some point the mail will be good and can you afford not to be across my DT scoops and analysis? DT prognostication and regurgitation is my business.
Q. My DT man crush is… Corey Parker. For obvious reasons but the sooner he gets delusions of representative grandeur out of his mind the better – all that QLD and Australia talk helps no one but himself.
Q. If I could beat an NRL player to death with a wet sack full of Jamal Idris’s hair, it would be… That’s a bit morbid but anyone who’s followed The Postman’s mail in the last few years should have no problems identifying the player who would be my response.
Q. Cherry-Evans or Cronk? Cherry-Evans gets the nod simply because his hooker never kicks, while Cronk’s dabbles in that DT art a little too much.
Q. Smith or Farah? Cameroon Smith over Roberto Farah in the DT department, because the stat guys love him – rarely has any missed tackles to his name, while Farah picks them up a little too regularly.
Q. Parker or Gallen? PG-13 has the cooler nickname in DT circles but of course it is the Man Crush for mine.
Q. Utai or Matai? Give me the bloke who doesn’t try and knock people’s heads off and calls it being tough… so it’s Utai mainly because he can’t actually reach anyone’s head.
Q. Favourite Paul Gallen Fact. Metamucil should be renamed PG-13 – because he gives you the runs…
Q. My greatest DT moment… Seeing the brains trust at the NRL finally realise that their scoring system was fatally flawed and changing it. Now the game is worth your time and effort and has an element of dumb luck to it – something it lacked when all that mattered was tackles, tackles and tackles.
Q. My lowest DT moment… moving on from being a Microsoft Paint expert and into the world of Photoshop due to working on this site.
Those smart enough (or that can be bothered) can figure out who I am, so I’ve decided to go incognito for the time being… Career Highlight: Scored a try on the hallowed turf of the SCG off a short ball from Cliff Lyons. Desperately trying to separate the dream world from the real world.
Q. My DT man crush is… David Stagg – Just like an old pair of jeans, Stagg is a comfy fit for everyone.
Q. If I could beat an NRL player to death with a wet sack full of Jamal Idris’s hair, it would be… Slammin Sam babyface Burgess – Spends more time on Ice than Wayne Gretsky ever did.
Q. Cherry-Evans or Cronk? DCE – If we had keeper leagues, he would have made me over $330,000 – the original CASH COW!
Q. Smith or Farah? Smith is the most bankable player in DT’s short history.
Q. Parker or Gallen? Gallen has overtaken Chuck Norris – I don’t take that lightly.
Q. Utai or Matai? Matai – wins premierships…
Q. Favourite Paul Gallen Fact. Paul Gallen is the reason Jack is in the box.
Q. My greatest DT moment… Watching Micheal Luck go into extra time and break the tackling record with the little Dream Team © next to his name. Cha-Ching!
Q. My lowest DT moment… How many times can I pick Kurt Gidley?
Poor leaping ability, frail bones and the hand eye co-ordination of a three-legged horse meant that I just missed out on an NRL contract when I was in my prime. Since then I’ve had to live my footy career through the world of NRL Dream Team and communal showers…. A Dream Team mastermind and Trade Analyser whiz look no further for your DT answers than, The Dummy’s Half!
Q. My DT man crush is… PG-13. Not only do kids under thirteen think they’re allowed to watch him, but the man just loves to run and tackle…
Q. If I could beat an NRL player to death with a wet sack full of Jamal Idris’s hair, it would be… Jamal Idris, just so he could see how bad a sack of sopping wet dreadlocks smell – well, him or Steve Michaels.
Q. Cherry-Evans or Cronk? DCE, any guy who can crack the ton has a lot of time in my book – also wins the battle of the surnames.
Q. Smith or Farah? Smith! Ever consistent, great stubble.
Q. Parker or Gallen? Parker provides more DT options but Gallen has a superbly large chin.
Q. Utai or Matai? Would make a great fight… horrible debating team.
Q. Favourite Paul Gallen Fact. Paul Gallen can kill two stones with one bird.
Q. My greatest DT moment… Taking the office by storm in Round 1 of 2012.
Q. My lowest DT moment… Having a horrendous Round 2 after a week of continual gloating and banter.